Should I leave my spouse? (1)
Some things about marriage
First of all, I want to make this very clear: your marriage is the most important thing in life after your life and your relationship with God. Because of this, neither I nor anyone else can decide for you whether or not you should leave your spouse. It’s an extremely personal and individual decision.
With that said, as I receive this question on a daily basis, I want to share some points with you who have been dealing with this dilemma, fighting for your marriage or giving up, to consider before making your decision, whichever it is
1. Is your life or your children’s life at risk due to the behavior of your partner? Is there violence, aggression, crime, etc.? If so, you don’t even need to finish reading this post. Gather all your strength right now and cleverly leave that marriage as soon as possible. It is your obligation and responsibility to your children and yourself. If he or she will change in the future, that’s another story. The important thing right now is to ensure your safety and your children’s.
2. All divorces, without exceptions, happen because the couple wasn’t able to resolve the problems that undermined their relationship. It’s not because the problems were impossible to resolve, but because those involved didn’t know how or didn’t have the will-power to do so. Normally, it’s because they didn’t know how. This is why you should invest in a marriage course to re-educate yourselves on how to solve typical relationship problems. Other couples have gone through the same or worst problems than yours, and they overcame. So, you can learn how to solve your problems from others experiences.
3. Not only does your partner need to change, but so do you. Couples get frustrated because one gets annoyed and stressed with what the other does, and they forget to look at themselves. Your focus should be on your own behavior not on his or hers. You can only change yourself. Focus your energy on becoming a better wife or husband, and person.
4. Does your partner recognize the need to change as well? Has she/he been putting an effort into this? If so, give them some space and time to change. If he/she wants to change, but hasn’t been able to, suggest competent people—marriage counselors, an older family member he/she respects, or another type of professional help.
5. Did you already try to get help from God for you marriage? I don’t mean a simple prayer, but a true fight against the evil separating you? Many marital problems have a spiritual root, and can only be solved with spiritual help. Speak to your Pastor.
6. If your partner doesn’t see the need to change, first make sure that you’ve done your part, (look over points 2 through 5,)
7. If after you have done your part, consistently (long enough to show your change is definite and true) and your partner still insists on all the mistakes, while showing no interest to fight for your marriage, you should now really start considering if you’ll keep fighting or give up.
Giving up in a marriage is obviously the last option—after several sincere attempts to save it. Though in certain cases, it’s the only way out.
In the next post I will speak more about this only way out, and how to know if you should really take it
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